This Momma's Heart

This Momma's heart has been through a lot over the past two weeks. It all started on a Saturday evening when I wasn't feeling the baby move; I thought maybe he was just having a down day because he had been quite active earlier. The next day, however, I knew that something wasn't right. I called my doctor, and I went to the emergency room. The nurse found his heartbeat right away, and I was immediately relieved, thinking all was well. When I still failed to feel movement, however, the resident came in to do a biophysical profile, which is an ultrasound in which she looks for five specific things. She did four different ultrasounds over the course of several hours, and his score kept going down until at the last one he scored a 2...really bad!

My doctor had come in to check on me and ended up spending the night at the hospital to be sure I was okay. He came into my room around 3:30am and said he was going to do a c-section to get the baby out since there was no way of knowing what was wrong. I called David and began praying like I never have before. I was told that the NICU team from Toledo Hospital would be at the delivery and that the baby would be taken there. My main concern at this point was that I wouldn't see my baby for four days; I had no idea of what lay ahead!

David made it just before the doctor began my surgery. I was so thankful! The baby was up at the top of my uterus, so the doctor and resident were pressing on my belly to get him down so they could pull him out. They were forced to make an additional incision in order to reach him. As the doctor delivered him, he asked what his name was; we hadn't made a decision, but David said, "Aaron."

Every mother expects to hear her baby's cry immediately; I heard silence. The baby was given to the NICU team; David was trying to watch, but they made him sit down. I was later told that Aaron was not breathing nor did he have a heartbeat at birth; his apgar score was a zero. His second one given five minutes later was a two. The neonatologist had to resuscitate him. The NICU team worked on him at the hospital for three hours. Then I was finally able to see him for the first time. He was bundled in an emergency transport incubator with all kinds of machines doing everything for him. One of the nurses wanted to be sure I could see him; she moved my bed and his, and she helped me reach his little hand. He was completely helpless! The neonatologist looked at me and told me that he was very sick and that he might die; she was brutally honest, and I needed her to be. Then he was taken away.

A couple of hours later, the attending physician in the NICU called me and said that someone needed to be with Aaron at the hospital because he was very concerned that he might not make it. He explained to me that he was on an oscillator and that they had given him a paralytic drug to keep him from moving so as not to injure himself. He said Aaron was extremely ill and they hadn't figured out why. I sent David to the other hospital right away. My nurses worked to get me transferred, and I was finally able to go at 2:30 in the afternoon. When I arrived at the hospital and was checked in and settled, my nurse put me in a wheelchair and took me to Aaron's room. I was so unprepared for what I saw...my son attached to all kinds of life support. There were so many things running through my head. He lay there completely motionless, a tube down his throat to help him breathe. He was extremely puffy, his skin pulled tight around his little body. He had multiple medications running through an umbilical line. His entire body was bruised. He was not beautiful by the world's definition by any means, but he was MINE! And I loved him immediately.

The doctor came and talked to me, and I can't even remember what in the world he said. I just cried. I was so afraid that I would lose my baby. Thank God that my sister was there to ask the right questions and to help me understand what was going on. When I saw how scared she was, though, I knew it was horribly bad. When I returned to my room, I told my dad that I trusted God, but the hard part of trusting Him is that it doesn't mean things will work out the way I want them to...it just means that I trust Him, no matter what. So began my journey of trust.

The days were long. The days were hard. The days were emotional! The days were God's! It was amazing to see God begin to work miracles in Aaron's little body. We prayed his name over him...Aaron: mountain of strength...Joseph: Jehovah increases. And we began to see God bring healing. The doctors were astonished. The nurses were floored. God was in control!

Now, two weeks later, Aaron is off of all medications and support other than his feeding tube. He is beginning to learn to eat as we work with him at times he is awake and interested. The nurses have gone from telling me that he would probably be there a couple of weeks past his due date (10 weeks total) to saying that he could be ready to go home in a couple of weeks (4-5 weeks total). Over the past few days, I have gone from not being allowed to hold him (because of his chest tubes) to having to ask a nurse to get him for me (because of his picc line) to being able to get him in and out of his bed as I please at any time. All of his tests have come back with good results. He is extremely responsive which is a good sign developmentally.

Aaron weighs 4 pounds, 6 ounces, and all of the weight he has gained is positive gain, not fluid retention. He is amazing! God is amazing! And I am grateful...forever grateful!